Chef Shares His Five Favourite Recipes For Making Crew Food No One Wants

  • Patrick Maflin
    Patrick Maflin

“Potatoes. Mashed, baked, scalloped, boiled, reheated,” Chef Jon Smiley says, ticking his go-to dishes off on thick, uncaring fingers. “Potatoes are great way to consistently piss everyone off. They’re cheap, easy, generally lacking in nutritional value and very few people actually like them.”

Chef Smiley, winner of multiple “What-The-Fuck-Is-This’s” from thousands of crew over an auspicious career spanning three decades longer than it probably should have lasted, has agreed to share a few of his secret recipes, “That are sure to encourage crew to make their own damn grub,” he says, laughing as he scratches an itch between his legs with a spaghetti server. With no further ado he launches into a feverish demonstration of terrible food creation.

Recipe #1: Some kind of meat

    -Get some meat

    -Burn the shit out of it

    -Put it in a dish. Cover it in water. Add peppercorns.

    -Put it in the fridge so crew can poke at it for three days, try once late at night after a few drinks, curse the chef, and not touch it again.

    -Throw away.

    -Good job.

Recipe #2: Soggy Sandwiches For Everyone

    -Make a sandwich.

    -Slice a very large, ripe tomato into sections large enough to use as door stoppers

    -Put these in the sandwich, right beside the bread so they can really soak in.

    -Put sandwiches in a dish. Cover them in water

    -Put in fridge so sandwiches can be cold as well as fucking horrible.

    -Great job.

Recipe #3: Celery In All Its Glory

    -Put a whole thing of celery on a plate

    -Call it a French word

    -You are amazing

Recipe #4: WTF is Veal Osso Bucco

    -Finally crack the spine on that Ottolenghi cookbook you use to kill flies

    -Look up what an Osso Bucco is.

    -Wonder why life is so hard.

    -Give up, make potatoes


Recipe #5: All The Donuts

    -Buy some donuts at the grocery store

    -Eat them

    -Tell the crew to get their own fucking donuts, the bunch of whinging Prima Donnas.

    -Don’t stop believing. Hold on to that feeling.

“Now I’m not saying these are all sure bets,” Smiley says as he chews a cigarette (‘The captain asked me if I smoked,’ he explains, ‘he didn’t say anything about chewing’). “But I will say this: Thirty-seven years in the business and no one’s asked me for seconds.”

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